I am 25 years old and I don’t have any children and I’m not that anxious to have any. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years, and we have known each other since high school. The problem is that he wants to have children, and I don’t feel we are financially ready for that. I mean, we both have jobs, but after all the bills are paid, there isn’t a whole lot of money to spare.
I am an administrative assistant, but I am also an aspiring dancer. I haven’t had much luck with auditions, but I can’t give up my dream. Not yet. I want to pursue my career first, and see how that goes before I even think about having children. I’ve had two abortions already, and he has been there for me even though he doesn’t agree with it. He doesn’t really pressure me to have a baby, its just whenever we discuss the issue he says, “I’ll probably be 50 years old before you give me a child” and “You’re going to always say for the rest of your life that we’re not ready or we can’t afford it.”
My mother is also waiting for me to have a child by him. She says that before she dies she wants to see her grand kids.
You know, I’m not that anxious to have children and I’m not sure if I even want any. I’m not sure that maybe I might want children much later on in life. Our sex life barely exists anymore since the abortions. He doesn’t really want to have sex in fear of me getting pregnant and not keeping it.
What should I do? Should I leave him and just focus on my dreams? Should I stay with him and make him wait for me? We live together and we just relocated to the San Francisco Bay Area from another State. I want to be with him, but I want to pursue my dreams and I don’t want children; at least not now.
Stressed and Indecisive
If it were truly that important for him to have a family, he should step up to the plate and ask you to be his wife first. Since none of that has happened, I merely see him as another clown out there trying to control a woman with his demands to curtail her dreams so that his dreams will come true. He wants you to give him control of and use of your womb, with the ultimate goal of having what he wants at your expense — without investing in you or your relationship or the child as your husband.
Your mother needs to be SERIOUSLY put in check for encouraging this nonsense — she is wayyy out of line here!
Proper mothers with their daughter’s best interest at heart would be sitting that fool boyfriend of yours down and telling him how there is a proper order for things to be done with her daughter, and having babies out of wedlock is not in proper order. Neither is having a baby when you have an unstable relationship and financial situation sensible. She should be telling him on no uncertain terms that she refuses to have her daughter caught up or locked down like that with some man that might not even be around in a year.
Unfortunately, it’s quite popular for young women your age to set themselves up to be a “baby momma,” leaving the guy free to do the same thing with woman after woman after woman. Were you to follow in their footsteps, you’d also be stuck raising some knucklehead’s snot nosed brat – a child you didn’t want in the first place.
You know you two are not on the same page, so staying in this relationship is a complete waste of time. Instead of trying to guilt trip you into having a child, he should be helping you make your dreams come true, encouraging your dance career in every way possible. By having a baby you don’t want, you’d end up resentful and angry at your mother and your boyfriend.
Even if you deeply love the child after he or she is here, having the child means that you had to sacrifice yourself. Somehow that doesn’t seem fair to me as neither your Mom nor your boyfriend are giving up anything… just you. I don’t want you, for the rest of your life, to wonder what could have happened if you’d had the courage to take care of yourself and advocate in your own best interest. You would forever wonder what you might have become besides a baby momma if only you’d have the courage to say “NO!”
Discuss this situation in detail with your young man; he deserves to hear your thoughts and feelings on this matter. It might also be helpful to look up the cost of infant day care in San Francisco, medical care co-payments, disposable diapers, clothing, furniture and miscellaneous paraphernalia that babies require. Compare your current income to those additional costs and let him see on paper how much of a deficit you two would be in every month.
Close the discussion by letting him know that without a doubt, you are not going to have a child now or anytime in the near future, because you have other goals for yourself besides diaper changing and hearing a baby scream. Tell him that he needs to either be in your book and on your page with timing of parenting, or he needs to go find another book that will give him what he wants right now.
In closing, never give up on what you seek in life to become fulfilled as a woman under pressure, or you will be resentful of those you felt “took” your dreams from you. Follow your heart and your dreams as far as you can go. When your dream changes and you decide to become a Mom, then and only then will you embrace the life changing responsibility of motherhood with a smile and excited anticipation.
Until that day comes, take birth control pills, get the Depo-Provera (shot), or utilize some other reliable form of birth control so that you never have to experience another abortion.
Good luck Twinkle Toes!