It’s about time America faces facts and gets the Obama Administration to admit that it must deal with this nation’s greatest embarrassment once and for all in decisive fashion. It is time America officially grants Pasco County, Florida its independence.
There is ample reason to suggest this is not only wise, but necessary for the collective sanity of the nation. This past week, two incidents happened which have made the entire country sit up and wonder if residents of this suburban Tampa Bay region are being fed massive amounts of prescription narcotics in the water supply. The first incident involved the discovery that students who had received grades of “F” on their report card still managed to make a middle school honor roll. A school official told the media that this was the result of a “points” system replacing the traditional letter grade/grade point average formula. According to that official, if a student achieved enough “A”s on their report card, it could offset the effect of a single “F” and still entitle that student to make Honor Roll.
To understand the mentality of this system, experts were contacted to explain it more thoroughly, but members of the International Olympic Committee were reportedly in Sochi, Russia, getting hammered on high-end vodka. Another expert was contacted, but the Defense Department refused to allow the answer to be published out of fear it would lead to China outsourcing their public education system to the United States.
Still, this pales in comparison to the audacious, scandalous and highly stereotypical gaffe committed by another Pasco County resident, who was actually arrested for impersonating a police officer in order to …drum roll please….get a discount a local donut shop!
(Pausing to allow time to wipe your monitor following your soft drink spew.)
And we move along. The man, Charles Thomas Barry (no relation to Miami’s Dave Barry, thank heavens!), was arrested after an alert employee at a Dunkin’ Donuts location in Trinity, Florida asked a Pasco County Sheriff’s Office captain if deputies were allowed to ask for police discounts. The short answer was “no.” When the employee told Captain James Mallo that Barry had done this, a surveillance sting was set up to catch Barry in the act. The wannabe cop told a drive-up employee was an officer, flashed a badge and pistol, and received his ill-gotten pastry. Barry’s was later apprehended on numerous charges, including impersonating a law enforcement officer.
To add irony to this story, Barry’s father was an officer in New Jersey but the younger Barry opted to not join the world of police work.
Between these two stories, recent stories of videotaped sex at a high school in this same county, and prolonged exposure to a variety of toxins including wife-beating county commissioners, Tampa Bay Buccaneers football, oversized mosquitos, racist concealed carry peddlers, nudist trailer parks, armor-plated cockroaches and man-eating couches in select homes (see local realtors for hot deals!), it is not surprising that this county has made national news headlines numerous times over the past year. For this reason alone, we are suggesting that President Obama sign an executive order declaring Pasco County an “incompetent entity,” banish it from the company of the several states, and offer its residents federal assistance to relocate to other parts of the nation so a giant wall can be built around it and people such as Alec Baldwin, Perez Hilton, etc. can build massive compounds there employing dozens of expert attorneys and public relations professionals.
Though a preferred approached would be for Pasco Countians to vote for secession, the mere fact average residents spend most of their time engaged in actual productive activities such as working and eating at the local Port Richey Hooters.
Then, in an act of forward-thinking courage and conviction, President Obama can order a limited nuclear strike, ridding the nation of this scourge, and the nation can get about the business of building a wacko-free, Baldwin-free, better Pasco County, complete with pawn shops, strip clubs and the original Port Richey Hooters (President Obama would make sure the nuke doesn’t hit the one REALLY COOL part of Pasco).
Final argument: even Slate magazine calls Pasco “Ground Zero” for weirdness.
Again, see your realtor for details.